Every so often, it happens. You pick up the latest book by a well-loved author, eager to lose yourself in its well-known characters, and clever plot structures. However, as you continue to read, you realize something bad. You realize something is wrong here, but you’re afraid to admit it yourself. Maybe you put the book down, thinking it’s you, not them. You’re too tired, too distracted… but no. Sadly, you have to admit what’s real, and accept it.
The writing is bad, and the book sucks.
This is what happened to me last night, while reading the latest Laura Childs that I found in the library, “The Silver Needle Murder”
The tea has been overbrewed, my friends... drain the cups and move on.
So let’s start out with a little history. I have been reading Laura Childs’ novels since high school. They delight me. She has three series and I will discuss each one through this, but I’ll start with the big one: The Tea Shop Mysteries. Essentially, it starts out in a lovely tea shop in Charleston, run by Theodosia Browning, which is a fantastic name. Her cohorts include Drayton, a man in his 60’s who is super old-school and who I secretly think is gay) and Haley, a sometimes college student who bakes all the sweets for the shop even though that time schedule would probably kill her in the real world. Everyone is realistic, nobody is shallow, it’s well done. But now that we’re about to get into book ten of the series… things are not good.
First of all, a new book series came out. Titled the Scrapbooking Mystery series, this was set closer to the wild side of New Orleans. It features a Heroine named Carmilla, and… well… it’s certainly not TERRIBLE. However, I knew instantly while reading the first book that it was far from the awesomeness that is Tea Shop. This series has way more of the typical “mystery stock characters” than Tea Shop. Carmillia has a hottie man-crazed friend, as well as an older woman who is a chocoholic, and all their ”wacky” friends. Oh, and her ex-husband is around and he’s a pain in the ass, but is there an attraction after all, but I’m pretty sure he hit her once, and his sister is evil,, but is she REALLY over him, and my god who cares? Plus, her name is Carmillia. And she has Carmel-Coloured Hair, it’s a perfect name! Sadly, all I can really remember from this book is that the official Mardi Gras colour are purple, gold, and green, because it tells you that about FIVE times by the time you reach Chapter Four.
While this was going on, the Tea Shop was still ok. There were fewer interesting food descriptions, which did displease me, but I still lived. The writing was starting to wander, but it was decent enough. Then, yet ANOTHER series came out. The *sigh* CrackleberryClub Mystery series. I bought myself the first bookfor Christmas this year and… man, I wish I could re-gift. It was brutal. Basically, there were a bunch of women, and they work in a truck stop. That specializes in egg dishes? I don’t even… Oh, also, there’s a bookstore inside the truck stop. And they have a book club for it. Because truck stops have the clientele for that. Oh! And a yarn shop. Because all the truck stops I go to have yarn shops in them. For those long nights on the road when all you wanna do is knit. Idon’t remember anything else about the book, which is really the most damning thing I can say.
And now I have read the most recent (I think) Tea Shop book since Laura Childs started work on three different book series at the same time. And it shows.
This is the second paragraph of the book:
“Stepping into the dullness of the kitchen, Thoedosia looked like a single fresh bloom in a field of brown grasses. English-Irish ancestors had bequeathed her flawless skin, startling blue eyes, and a tangle of auburn hair- the kind of hair the artist Raphael had immortalized in his soft, gilded paintings. Her mother and father, dead many years now, had passed on their charm, resolve and entrepreneurial spirit. Theodosia’s perchant for curiosity seemed to have blossomed on its own.”
Are you kidding me? Really? That’s how you open this book? With some flowery (literally flowery!) description that would make a mary-sue Twilight author blush?! Oh, Laura… Laura, Laura…
Other highlights of this book include that suddenly everyone is rich.Everyone wears designer heels, dresses, and carries expensive bags. To give this perspective, all we hear about in the first four or five books is how tight money is for Theo, but all of a sudden she’s spending like it’s going out of style! What the frick?
This is also the “movie studio comes to town” plot that infects every series at some point. “Crap, I have no idea what to write about… let’s pull out a stock plot from the hat!” In this book it’s about a film festival that needs judges. And of course, Theo gets to be one. Because who knows more about film than some women who runs a tea shop?
This book also has the Worst. Murder. Ever. in it that I have ever read. Ever. And I have read a lot of wacked-out mysteries. Picture it: It’s the big gala event of the film festival. Everyone is dressed in their finest and mincing about with their cocktails and canapes. There is music, and laughter, and hobnobbing and a bar and a huge ice pile with seafood all over it. But what’s that under the ice pile? Why, it’s a dead body! Artfully arranged! Under the ice pile! And the seafood! Of course that’s plausible! Someone could totally shovel away the ice, arrange the body, replace the ice and put on the seafood and then ESCAPE INTO THE NIGHT!
Also, the murderer is hardly mentioned and then proven to be the killer in the lamest way possible (dreaming the clues? REALLY?!) Which means it’s either easy to know it’s her (ooo, she only comes in every a hundred pages, I wonder WHY), or you won’t even notice her (That’s who did it?! Was she even IN this book?). Either way, this is not good story telling!
*Sighs* Thanks for the good times, Theo. But I guess it’s time to close up shop.
