Shannon Hilchie

All right! Happy New Year everyone. What better time to write about hot girls making out with each other than now? Let finish up with the first episode of A Shot of Love, Season One!

If you’ll remember the last time we hung out at Tila’s, she had mini dates with sixteen guys before giving five the chop. Next up? Sixteen lesbians! Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but Tila seems to be WAY more excited for the women than the men. Maybe they pay her more to make out with them? She’s wearing a different dress, a crazy spanglyed thing that looks both awesome and ridiculous.

The girls get out of the limo and are all excited about the beauty of the house. While they are excited, they do not peak my speakers like the guys did. It’s pretty sad when the group of chicks are the least shrill of the two. One girl interviews that she knew about Tila, but she would” NEVER have guessed she was Gay!” to which I say “Bitch, please.” Another girl is just “amazed” at Tila’s lesbianism. I’m so confused as to how these girls could believe this story. I mean were they found under a rock? A big, lesbian rock?

Ah… let’s take a little break and meet  Brandi. In case her hair and her tragic excuse of a shirt doesn’t give it away, Brandi is a hot mess. She says she has pictures of Tila all over her house. If I was running a dating show, that would be a box to tick on the application. Do you have a shrine to me? If so, cut. Cut so bad. Sadly, Tila did not have such foresight, and so Brandi and her stupid skunk hair are here to stay.

Ah, Ashli… Sweet, sweet Ashli. Despite the messed-up spelling of your name, you are so innocent and naive. She’s super excited about “the first show about lesbians in love”,  and that she’s so happy to be “a part of something… groundbreaking” and I can’t help but  feel really sorry for her. See, this is where you start to realize that the girls are going to be so much more angry than the guys once they find out the game’s twist. Ashli is also the token female virgin, in the sense that she’s never tried men. This is much less dramatic than Eddie’s virginity, but still. Why have one when you can have two?

Tila “checks out the room”, and the girls squeal with excitement. Who does the camera land on? Ah, who but my personal pick of either men OR women. I give you Amanda:

Seriously, you guys. I’d go for her in a heartbeat. This girl is like, seven feet eight thousand in FLATS, and could crush Tila with one swat of her hand. Luckily for everyone involved, Amanda sticks around for quite a while, so enjoy her. She’s also hilarious, in addition to her pretty.

Tila hands out the keys personally to the girls, and they share a toast of various drinkables in big red plastic cups. Brandi solemnly says “To Lesbians” as she drinks, and I roll my eyes for the first time over her. Then the girls explain the “star” system for lesbians and is this a real thing lesbians do? A gold star lesbian has never been with a man. A silver star tried and hated it. Does that mean a bronze star goes to the bisexual girls? Sorry Tila. Burned. The girls get to drinking and Amanada and Tila learn they have something in common!

Underwear! No, seriously, they’re both wearing the same panties. It must be fate. Amanda agrees. “When I say that we had on the same panties, I knew we were both on the same page.” Oh, God, I love this girl. Tila does too, telling us that she thinks Amanda is “gorgeous”, and “a whole lotta woman”. Seriously, those thighs could crack walnuts!

From hot to not, we meet this little number. She makes a beeline to the bar and there is ALWAYS one of these girls, right? I know it’s sometimes me, depending on the party. However, unlike myself, this girl drinks herself into a hole within the first ten minutes of the party, drinking nothing but straight rum! That has to be one of the signs of being an alcoholic. Straight rum? God, I might vomit thinking about that. Anyway, in her first interview, Keasha screws up Tila’s name. Then she giggles. Yeeeeeah…. enough said there.

The girls are having one on one time as well, but it’s not nearly as structured as the men’s time. Where the men had actual little dates with gifts, Tila just wanders about the mansion, dropping here and there and talking with whoever she happens to find. The first two she sits down with are Brandi and Ashli, and Ashli tells Tila that she hasn’t come out to her mom yet. Where in the name of God is the logic in this? Does her mother lack cable and internet? Upon learning Ashli is a virgin, Tila interviews that her “prayers have been answered!”  She prays for virgin lesbians? Um… okay then. Whatever floats your boat.

Tila curls up on a couch with another girl and VOs that she feels lightheaded when she first touches a girl, and that she loves the way they smell, and how soft they are. She says that women are more sensual, which I fully agree with. The girl she’s with is just starting to get comfy, asking about her tattoos when it strikes!

It’s Cockblock, Part Two! Keasha slurs her way over and she is DRUNK. She also keeps saying “Hey Gurl Hay!” which is just deeply annoying. Curly hair tries to ask politely for one-on-one time, but Drunky isn’t having any of it. “Wha aboua threeonthreeee?” she asks, and Curly-hair, whose name is Rebecca, is trying hard to evolve her eyes into laser beams. I wish her the best of luck. Rebecca and Tila ask her to get them some drinks (Good Plan!) and then resume cuddling as soon as she’s gone.

And here it is! The first of the girl-on-girl action. The best part of this kiss is the other girl sitting beside them that gets the cold shoulder times a million. Seriously, Tila gets her mack on with black-haired girl, and then breezes off, hardly giving the other girl the time of day. Harsh! After that she settles in with five girls to chat, and tells the camera that she can be attracted to shy girls because they are mysterious. Remember this statement when we get to the end.  Oh, and here we meet Lala.

Did I mention her job lists her as a “stylist”? Of course it does. Lala tells Tila she’s all about “keeping things real” and being with someone “on her level”. She says this so many times that if I were playing a drinking game, I would be as smashed as Keasha right about now. Lord. So much pinkish-red.

Moving on, Tila meets little Miss Chatty. You know, the girl you would like a lot more if she would just keep her trap shut. The first thing she tells Tila is that she’s not good at relationships. Tila and I are both like, “The hell? You’re on a dating show!” Then she blathers on and on about this one girl she used to love when she was in her twenties, and how her mom would make them chocolate chip cookies and then once she surprised her at work and it’s was super silly and then once OH MY GOD SHUT UP! Tila agrees, excusing herself with the all-time classic “I think they’re having too much fun over there, I think I’ll go and see.” Run. Run, and don’t look back.

Plopping herself down between another twosome, we meet Vanessa, who Tila thinks is hot stuff. Why? I have no idea. I guess she likes girls who have stringy hair and look greasy?

That’s right! She does it again! I think I’ll let Tila explain this one. “I just dove in and made out with her in front of what’s her face.”Then I just got up and left. What’s her face got no love… I’m such a douchebag.” You guys, this show is so great.

Tila gets everyone together and tells them that she knows they brought a little something to show off their personalities to her. Remember how the guys gave her gifts? Well the girls have brought outfits. That’s right. It’s a mother fucking walkoff. OF SLUT.

Omigawd, you guys! There’s a RED CARPET! With a big ass black pimp chair at the end for Tila. You have GOT to be kidding me! Oh, this is a trainwreck. Let’s see what everyone’s got on. Remember, these outfits are to show Tila what they would be like in a relationship. Oh, and they are skimpy. Possibly skanky. Bring it.

First out of the fog machine and double french doors (This could be a musical, you guys!) is… Ugh, it’s Vanessa. She’s dressed up as a schoolgirl. Oh, COME ON! That’s the best you could do? Tila is all over her, but I’m over in a different way. Wash your hair. Then we get Grace, who offers up TLC for broken hearts in a rather cute nurse outfit. After her is Rebecca, wearing killer white wings and a white bikini. She crouches in front of Tila (Which is never a good look for ANYONE’s stomach) and takes her hand. She kisses the back of it and says, “I wanted you to know what it’s like to be touched by an angel.” Well… that’s modest.

Brandi the trainwreck is next in an adorable cat outfit. Even so, a cat? LAME. She says it’s because she’s fiesty and she wants to show Tila what a real pussy looks like. I love how this show bleeps out the word pussy. Ah, sexual words that are hilarious. Does this mean that Brandi has magic genitalia? How is she more “real” than anyone else’s parts? Your wordplay = Fail.

Lala comes strutting out in a french maid outfit, and does a little booty shake. I gotta say, neck down? Lala is HAWT! Too bad that broke-ass red hair wrecks everything. It’s like a kool-aid dyed mullet of fake. After her comes the blond girl who wouldn’t shut up, and we learn her name is Chaos. Sweet Jesus, this show just gives it to me, doesn’t it? Chaos is dressed in combat gear, which I have to say is totally un-sexy to me. Tila seems to agree. “She’s hot, but she’s got a butter face.”  I googled this term (I am so not street, y’all), and it means a girl whose hot everywhere but her face. Ok then, so Lala counts too. Or maybe she’s a Butter Hair.

And then we have Keasha.

She is just… wow. Let me share with you her winning pick up line: “Excuse me, but could you help me dust some sawdust off my tool-belt?”

Yeah let’s move on. Ashli, who has a terrible name to spell, struts out in a sexy girl scout outfit, and she’s so damn cute, she even makes the line “Can I interest you in my cookie” work. I just wanna hug her. And then Ye-ow! Speaking of girls I wanna do things to, out comes Amanda in some kind of shiny PVC dress with heels and a whip and Tila is all over it. She whips Amanda, which Amanda admits to the camera is “exactly what she wanted”. Oh, Amanda. After her we get a montage of crappy outfits, included Steffanie or however she spells it wearing a red satin-y smoking jacket and this stupid hat she’s worn the whole time that I just want to knock right off her head. Amanda agrees too, which is more reason for us to run away together. After her comes Ellie, who wears a sexy plumber outfit. How do you even come up with that? Tila’s reaction?

Brenda wears a Taxi driver get-up, saying she’ll take Tila exactly where she wants to go. Ick, she dances. After her comes Dani. See Steffanie? This is how you do butch HOT. Fuck you and your smoking jacket. It’s all about the pants.

Apparently, Dani is an actual firefighter, and she grinningly interviews that all the guys at the station are going to give her shit for wearing her pants for this. It’s obvious she doesn’t really care, and might be looking forward to it. Aww, guys… I kinda love her. So does Tila, who VOs that she “usually dates lipstick lesbians”, but that Dani has something about her.

Someone who has nothing about her would be Scout. God, there’s more than one person named that in the world? Mothers-to-be, listen up. Don’t name your kids with dog names. Simple as that. Anyway, Scout is wearing an orange headband, orange bikini and orange hoops. She marches her ass to Tila and loudly proclaims, “Orange you glad I have a big enough…. personality!” Well, nothing else on her is that large, so… yes? There’s really nowhere else that lead-up could have gone. “I don’t need to use a cheesy pick-up line to make you mine,” she continues, and God. The other girls are busting up and Ashli cements my love for her by giving Scout an “A for effort,” before cracking back up.

After that little… ugh, we see Sara coming out, who was the first girl we saw Tila kiss. Honestly, her outfit isn’t much better than Scouts, a bikini with little playing cards attached and a tie, but the fact that girl’s nipples are just out there? Might be why Tila seems so happy. And why Sara gets blurred for the rest of the show. The last girl to come out is Krystal, in the obligatory stars and stripes outfit. Tila gushes that the fashion show was awesome, and that it looked like “a lesbian Village People or something”. Tila tells them all she has to get rid of five girls, and departs.

For some reason, I think it took  a lot longer for her to decide on some of the girls. Others, probably not so much. Keasha hilariously VOs that she should stay because she’s “a respectful girl” and that she has her shit together. Deluded.  Amanda is also hilarious for other reasons. “I have really pretty blond hair, so it would be cha-razy to kick me off!” She is so great. Sara is standing in the background, looking nervous, but the effect is ruined by the fact that her boobs are totally hanging out. Can you imagine if you got booted off wearing that? “Drop your key and put your shirt back on, bitch!”

Finally Tila comes back down and makes her choices. The first to go is Scout, who Tila doesn’t even remember. Next is Ellie, who Tila tells is too shy. But Tila, I thought you liked that? I think the real reason is plumbers are not sexy. Then Chaos is booted, thank God. The fourth is Brenda, taxi girl, and the last is Little Miss Drunkard, Keasha. Her leaving statement is insane: “I wish that she could have seen who I am, but she did see who I am. I never portrayed myself to be somebody that I wasn’t. Coincidentally, just because of y’know here and there, it brought me to this position, so to speak. Hey Gurl, Hay.” Man… not enough booze in the world for that right there.

Next time, Tila shows her bisexual spots, and the game heats up when the girls and guys meet up.