Hey, remember when TelevisionWithoutPity wasn’t owned by Bravo? Remember when it was MightyBigTV? Remember those wonderful hilarious days? Because I do. And because of those, I love recaps. I love them. Sadly though, most recaps these days are people writing about shows they can’t stand. Shows they hate. And sure, that’s funny for one or two episodes…  but then it gets old really fast. Which reminds me… I need to review a book I LIKE next time… anyway, while having a downer day and watching tv online and eating chocolates, I had a major brainwave. I came across MTV.ca. And with their help, I’m going to recap a show I never thought I’d be able to stand, let alone adore like you adore leftover fried foods at three in the morning. That’s right. It’s time for a little bit of fun. A little bit of romance. And a whole lot of trash, trash, trashy-trashy trash. Woo hoo!

You'll enjoy this more than you think...

Meet Tila!

Have fun counting all my tattoos in each episode!

She’s famous for being hot. Really, that’s about it. Oh, and she has some kind of music thing going on. That’s what Wikipedia tells me, anyway. It also tells me she got her nickname because of some kind of allergy to Tequila, which I think is adorable. Sadly, Tila is burdened by a terrible secret, poor dear. It seems that she is not only hot, Asian, and sporting a pair of implants that love to change their minds about if they look good or not. No, she is also TOTALLY BISEXUAL!

Did YOU see it coming? I’m just so shocked, you guys. Apparently not even her parents know. Oh, Tila… Tila, Tila, Tila…

So here’s the idea with the show. Tila has snagged sixteen straight men, and sixteen lesbians, all set on winning her heart. Which is fun enough on it’s own, but this show has a devious twist. The men and women have NO idea about the other’s existence! Who sees this being an awesome confrontation later? I know I do, and not just because I’ve seen most of these already.

First up, is the men.  Wow, five minutes in and I already wish I knew how to make an animated gif. Tila adjusting her chest is hilarious! Sweetie, trust me. Those suckers aren’t going anywhere. Silicon is very loyal.  Then she heads outside just as a limo pulls up outside. “I wanna see my boys!” she yells down from her balcony, jumping up and down. Oh, what class. The boys rally to her side, hooting and hollering. Now, I must say, even for reality tv? These guys are gross. Super gross. Like, this is what happens when frat boys don’t grow up. Let’s take a look at some of these charmers:

Mmm… Check out those jobs. Clowns and Oil big-wigs. Awesome? Take special note of Tex-Teach there.I’m just saying, I hope his schoolboard was watching because.. damn. Bitch is crazy. But he gets a great quote in first thing: “I’ve never been with an Asian chick before, but I love Chinese food.” Gah.

Each guy is told to take one of the heart shapes keys on a string that hang in front of the mansion. Key-to-my-heart-ahaha-wit. They enter the house and wow… it is awesome in a reality show kind of way. It seems to be four floors, with a HUGE pink spiral staircase in the middle. OH, the first appearance of Michael B, who will now be know as Momchael.

As you can imagine, Momchael doesn’t make a lotta scratch delivering pizza (Oh my God, I would KILL for a pizza right now, I am seriously tearing up at the thought, GOD I HATE MY TOOTH!) and he tells us that he sleeps on his mother’s couch. Dude, you look like you’re thirty-two. Or eighteen. Either way, man up. Tila is going to be amazed by you. My tip? Lie. Lie like a cheap rug.

Tila VOs that she loves the way a man looks in a suit, the way their rough skin feels on her cheek, and their strong hands. Which I have to say I agree with. This is why I’m not a bisexual. And that great guy smell… mmm.. yummy. We get some reactions from the guys who have seen tons of photos and video of Tila online. They say she’s even hotter in person, and she also probably shorter. Tila comes up to most of their waists. Insert crude and probably justified joke here. This IS Tila we’re talking about. Then we meet Dominico. Oh, Dominico…

The first statement we hear him say is wondering about the possibilty of sleeping with Tila. Has he done ANY background reading? Honestly, one would think he’s never even SEEN a dating reality show before. He claims that because he has an accent and he can cook, it gives him a “200% chance of getting the women in the bed by the end of the night”. Dude, will you make me a pizza?

Each of the men get a little bit of one on one time with Tila, which is important for them because she’s going to kick out five men by the end of the night. But no! They’ll never learn her secret of bisexuality… unless they have Google, I guess. She starts off with Eddie, who says he has a song to sing to her. Bless her heart, she tries to look excited.

Oh, you're going to use the rose as a microphone... that's... clever?

These are the lyrics: “I gotta find a way, I gotta find a way, I gotta find a way, to get in your heart” I may have to make that my new ringtone. Then she asks him why he gave her a white rose. Dude, he has NO IDEA. Eddie blunders on about it being pure and sincere. Tila asks if that’s what he is, as they both know it’s not her. Well, it turns out that Eddie is the token virgin! Which makes me aware of two things: A) There will be a female virgin as well, as they travel in packs, and B) Neither of them will win. The virgin never wins. Tila tells him she’s not a virgin, the sky is blue, and two plus two is four.

Ryan, Mr. Oil Executive, gives her a blue dreamcatching which is so lame. Alex, a hip-hop dancer who is ALMOST cute with a little mohawk thing, gives her a CD, and then does this:

She looks SO impressed, you guys! He Could Be The One! Oh, but the best reaction is yet to come. Here we meet Rami, or something that doesn’t matter because he is SO gone. His gift? A little tiny FROG. Because he’s the prince! Come on, Tila, isn’t that Romantic?

Well, it can’t be worse than Mr. Micheal R. I think I’ll let the picture speak for him.

Here are my drumsticks for you, they're like a piece of my heart and soul and if you dump me, I'll write an emo song.

Steven is next with a painting that actually doesn’t suck. As Tila decides the girl in the photo looks like her, they act it out, with her on his lap, his hand in her hair, etc. It’s actually kinda cute and HOLY CRAP!

Then the clown comes in and does a juggling act and how is that a gift? After him is Ben, a radio personality. Is he one of the jerky morning guy? RUN TILA! Oh God, turns out he is, as he gives her the crudest gifts I’ve ever seen. Pulling a tea bag out of his pocket, he dips in in a mug and says he thought he’d tea bag her a little. Somehow, she doesn’t shove him off the couch and kick him in the face. Eddie gives her Tide. No really, like for washing clothes. Then he lifts up his shirt and tells her he has a washboard she can use. Tila VOs that she’s over that thing and there are tons of guys who look like him, he’s not special. I gotta say, this is probably where I starting to actually like Tila. Then we get Dominico who was dead serious about getting Tila in the sack. His gift is spaghetti and meatballs, and I have to skip it because I WANT THEM. Although yes, they do act out the famous Lady and the Tramp scene, which causes Dominico to say that “down there was like a third world war”. Thanks for sharing. Then we come to Ashley, who gives her a cheap-looking necklace and earring set. He then confirms my thoughts by telling her it’s “Straight-up Walmart”. Tila seems to like him though, which I don’t get at all.

Suddenly, DRAMA! Things were going too smoothly for reality, my friends. Dominico asks the group if they would sleep with another man for ten thousand dollars. As these are the most macho of men, they freak out, calling the idea disgusting. A tall black man we haven’t met yet says he’s not closed minded, but that shit is just a big no. Which, sigh. Oh, then we see him with Tila and his name is Marcus. He gives her walkie-talkies. Tila begins beat-boxing into hers, which is awesome. Marcus raps, which is less awesome. Then he laughs which is like.. Michael Jackson high pitched. WEIRD. Then he tells Tila about Dominco’s question which… what!? Why the hell would you do that?

The other guys agree and a fight breaks out, mainly with Ashley and Marcus. Not to spoil, but this happens A LOT in the future too. Man, is Ashley an elementary teacher for a local jail? Tila’s reaction is awesome. She can’t wait to get to the girls because then there will be none of this trash. She breaks up the fight, all “Hey, real men don’t pull this crap. Let’s get back to worshipping me!” Rob is more than happy to do so, and he gives her an I Heart Rob shirt to wear. Dude, her boobs won’t fit in that thing!

Awww, my fave dating show move! The cockblock! This happens every time. One person gets ansty and crashes the party and it’s awkward and wicked. The crasher here is Bobby, and he gives her an ENORMOUS pair of what look like diamond studs. This kid is a STUDENT. Where is he getting this cash? Cue Tila VO: “This bitch can’t be bought… or maybe she can.” Greg gives her a karma sutra kit which is so much sleaze, and then gives Tila a massage. When she asks for him to do her arm, he pulls a movie, tugging down her dress sleeve, causing her boob to fall out. Dude! No! You’re gone. Momchael is next, and he has a gift that.. is just… wow. A pillow with his face on it. Grrrross. He actually tells her about the mom couch which… ew. Tila calls him a moma’s boy and asks if his mother would like her. “Oh, my momma would LOVE you.” Great, NOW he remembers to lie.

After all that, Tila assembles the men to tell them about kicking out five. Then she goes upstairs to choose the ones to go. She claims it’s hard to choose, but really? I think it msut have taken a long ten minutes. She comes back down and kicks out the following: Ben the tea-bag asshole, Bobby/Rami the guy who gave her a frog, Michael the drummer in pink, Lance  the clown, and Greg the pervert.

And this is where I will stop. The next recap will cover THE LADIES!