Shannon Hilchie

So here I am, spending the day in bed. What better way to pass the time and take my mind off my aching jaw than with a blog post? Enjoyment for everyone! I have to admit, I do like writing these. Of course, sometimes I think that my writing about things I watch and enjoy are lame, and nobody honestly cares about my opinion. Then I remember all the personal review sites I go to, and how much I love them. So let’s see if my wit can stand up to my bookmark list.

Click the more for bloggage, and my retelling of a Christmas Classics that I haven’t seen since I was about six. Why? Because it TERRIFIED ME. Warning, Lots O’ Images!

To Do List:

-Edit Library of JS

-Don’t talk

Noteworthy News!

My jaw hurts. Having a root canal redone sucks. *sigh* I was so looking forward to chewing actual food today… Instead, it took me twenty minutes to eat a tiny muffin cut into pieces so it would fit in my mouth.

Currently Watching:

Over the years, I’ve seen a lot of Christmas specials. I remember even fewer of them, simply because most of them are not that great. Especially as I get older. Man, is it just me, or do Christmas specials these days suck? Where’s the charm? Where’s the love? The last Christmas special to wow me was Olive, the Other Reindeer, which I keep meaning to pick up on DVD. Hmm.. there’s a plan. If I feel more alive later, I could go shopping… Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Christmas TV.

Of course, when discussing the classics, there are a set of shows you cannot forget to mention. These are the totally awesome Stop-Motion shows done by Rankin/Bass in the 1960′s-70′s. People. Stop-Motion is freakin’ awesome. I honestly wish there were more stop-motion films or shows out there today. It’s understandable as to why not, I mean, Time= Money. Still, it’s a dedicated art-form which is usually replaced with CGI these days. Which hurts me. Stupid CGI. Killin’ all the puppets and clay…

Anyway, the best known Rankin/Bass show is probably “Rudolph”. To be honest, I find most of that special boring, so I’m not talking about it. Instead, I bring to you the childhood memories, and the adult WTFs of another production:

Last night, I saw this again for the first time in at least fifteen years. Why the wait? Because this movie scared the hell out of my when I was little. Picture it: The Hilchies have gone visiting their few relatives. We’re having a little party at one of my Uncle’s homes. My cousins are there, and the lights are up and everything is great, right? Well, it was until this showed up on the tv screen. Between the giant evil trees (who are actually only in the movie for like, three seconds, tops), and the concept of having your toys STOLEN and BURNED right in FRONT OF YOU?! Dude. That is fucked up.

So the plot of this movie runs something like this:

Postman Fred: “Well hello there! I’m supposed to be delievering time-sensitive envelopes dilled with the dreams of small children. But never mind them! Let’s kill an hour of my time! I bet you’re just dying to know the real story behind Santa and Christmas, aren’t you, Little Girl?”

Shannon: “Fred, I’m twenty-three.”

Postman Fred: “It all started with an abandoned baby, left by someone clearly unimportant because we never find out who they were, ditched on a doorstep in the catchily named land of Sombertown.”

Burgermeister Meisterburger: “DO NOT WANT!”

Postman Fred: “A lot of stuff happened that Shannon missed because she tuned in late to the story. Eventually, child was blown to the doorstep of someone a lot nicer, and sweeter, but with a name no less bizzare.”

Tanta Kringle: “My name is Tanta! My action figure has a magic wand for no apparent reason!”

Shannon: “Seriously guys, what’s with the wand? Did I miss it?”

Tanta Kringle: “Oh my! A baby on my doorstep! I will bring it into my home and raise it with my weird helpers/family members! Did I mention we were toy-makers to the king!?”

Shannon: “What king? King of the mountain? King of Sombertown? King of earth?”

Tanta Kringle: “The details are unimportant.”

Shannon: “But what happened? Why are you living in a shack in the woods? Why do you have no contact with the outside world? Were you fired? Were you-”

Tanta Kringle: “THE DETAILS ARE UNIMPORTANT!”

Postman Fred: “She named the little boy Kris, and they all taught him right from wrong, how to count stars, and the all-too important skill of building toys!”

Shannon: “But Santa doesn’t make the toys. He enslaves elves, and they do it for him. Why is this relivant?”

Postman Fred: “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear the question. So Kris also learns important lessons from the animals. He runs with the deer, he climbs trees with the squirrels, and he learns the most important skill of all from the seals!”

Shannon: “The joy of dodging a club?”

Postman Fred: “That was a tad dark for the season, Miss Canuck. No, I’m talking about laughing! Laughing deep and loud! Ho Ho Ho!”

Shannon: “Oh, that is rich. Let’s get back to the toys. Did the Kringles give them to the kids or burn them for warmth, or what?”

Postman Fred: “Actually, they just let them pile up out back in the snow.”

Me: “…”

Postman Fred: “…”

Me: “…”

Postman Fred: “Eventually Kris grew up into a big strong man!”

Kris: “Gosh, I’m big and strong!”

Tanta Kringle: “Oh Chris, you make me so proud! So proud, I transend time, as you have obviously been here for twenty years, and none of we Kringles have aged a day!”

Shannon: “What, now?”

Kris: “Now that I’m older, I’m going to take these toys we make and bring them to the children of Sombertown! Nothing could go wrong with that plan!”

Postman Fred: “Nothing at all! So then Tanta made him a Kringle Suit of red and white, which he still wears today! See how we explained that?” God, we’re good.

Shannon: “Expect a call from Coca-Cola’s lawyers.”

Postman Fred: “Spoilport. So, anyway, off Chris went to Sombertown. Along the way, he met a charming friend!”

Topper: “HONK!”

Kris: “Well, hello there. Aren’t you cute. Stick with me for no real reason!”

Topper: “HONK!”

Kris: “We’ll be best friends! I’ll call you Topper, which is much better than the original version which was dubbed over in which your name was “Waddles”, which actually made sense for a penquin!”

Postman Fred: “Then he reached Sombertown, a terrible sad place. The children there were never allowed toys, because they were against the law!”

Shannon: “That’s awful! Why are they against the law?”

Burgermeister Meisterburger: “I once slipped on a duck toy and fell down some stairs.”

Shannon: “…”

Burgermeister Meisterburger: “…”

Shannon: “….no, seriously.”

Burgermeister Meisterburger: “IT HURT A LOT AND WAS PAINFUL! NO TOYS! NO MORE TOY-MAKERS TO THE KING!”

Shannon: “How is there a toymaker to the King? The Kringles are in the frikkin’ woods! Did someone replace them? WORST INFORMATIONAL SONGS EVER!”

Burgermeister Meisterburger: “Anyway, no toys ever!”

Children: “Boo!”

Kris: “Toys for everyone!”

Children: “YAY!”

Miss Jessica: “Wait, don’t touch those toys! Don’t you know they’re against the law?!”

Kris: “I know this china baby doll needs a mommy, that’s what I know!”

Miss Jessica: “Why, how domesticated! I love her! In two seconds you’ve shown me that everything I knew and believed is wrong! You have also set a fire in my heart… and my loins.”

Shannon: “Did the writers of this have red-hair by any chance?”

Kris: “Let’s sing a song! When you sit on my lap today, a kiss a toy is the price you pay…”

Shannon: “Not touching that. Nooooo…”

Burgermeister Meisterburger: “What the hell! Toys! BONFIRE THEM TO HELL AND BACK!”

Kris: “Ruh Roh. Let’s get out of here, Scoobs!”

Topper: “HONK!”

Postman Fred: “So they ran into the forest! And were captured by two EVIL TREES!”

Evil Trees: “We’re so not that evil!”

Shannon: “I was afraid of THAT?!”

Seven Year Old Shannon: “Bitch, those were scary! Trust me!”

Winter Warlock (Evil): “RAWWWR!”

Kris: “Holy Shit! Don’t eat me! Eat the penquin!”

Topper: “HONK!”

Winter Warlock (Evil): “I’ma mess you up for trespassing up here on my mountain top, you jerks!”

Kris: “Wait! Allow me to present you with this toy train!”

Winter Warlock (Evil): “Ain’t no bullcrap train gonna stop me, foo! Not at- Ooo, actually.. that is pretty boss…”

INTENSE HEART MELTING ACTION!

Shannon: “Dude, it’s a hunk of wood! Not the cure for cancer!”

Winter Warlock (Sweetness and Light!): “Thank you for fixing my anger management issues with this amazing gift! Allow me to offer my magic skills to you!”

Kris: “Woo hoo! Every thing’s comin’ up Kringle today!”

Miss Jessica: “Kris! Kris! The children’s toys were burned and broken!”

Kris: “Jessica, that’s awful!”

Miss Jessica: “I know. But don’t worry! I brought you these letters with requests for new toys! Bring em’ tomorrow!”

Shannon: “That’s… awfully spoiled and demanding for a bunch of street urchins.”

Kris: “I’ll be there!”

Postman Fred: “True to his word, Kris returned to the town each night, bringing the new toys that the Kringle’s would make. Though the evil Burger-Whatever-His-Name-Is tried to stop him, Kris evaded him at every turn. Well, except one.”

Kris: “Well, this sucks.”

Burgermeister Meisterburger: “BWAHAH! Enjoy Prison! Remember, Toys are EVIL! Oh, and I’ve sent my guards up the mountain to capture your entire adoptive family!”

Kris: “Wait, that makes… no sense. How did you even know about them?

Shannon: “Exactly. What the hell?”

Burgermeister Meisterburger: “Whatever, stop looking for sense. UP WITH GERMANY!”

Shannon: “Plot-holes as big as Germany, maybe…”

Miss Jessica: “Oh, Tanta! It’s terrible! Kris has been captured and thrown in jail!”

Tanta Kringle: “Oh no! My darling boy!”

Guards: HEY! We’re arresting all of you for helping Kris! Except you, Miss Jessica, on account of someone has to be able to set them all free later in the movie. See you around!”

Miss Jessica: “Oh Kris… my world is turned upside-down. I will sing of this fact, in a song drenched in acid! The colours! And then birds will take my hair down! I am a women on the edge!”

Shannon: “Any doubt that this was made in the 70′s? Gone.”

Postman Fred: “They were good times. Man, she is tripping out, isn’t she?”

Miss Jessica: “I will go to the jail and free the others, especially my beloved Kris! But first, to repin my hair…”

Winter Warlock (Innocence and Song!): “Why, Miss Jessica! How will you free us from jail all on your own?”

Miss Jessica: “By depending on a man! Please, use your magic powers!”

Winter Warlock (A newborn lamb!): “Sadly, I cannot. I am disenchanted.”

Miss Jessica: “What the hell?!”

Shannon: “Fred?”

Postman Fred: “Yeah, no idea.”

Winter Warlock (A sack full of marshmallows): “All I have is this seemingly useless crap… like these pellets that make reindeer fly.”

Miss Jessica: “I’ll be taking those! YOINK!”

Postman Fred: “Jessica ran to Kris’ animal friends, and rounded up all the reindeer. Then they flew to the jail and carried the prisoners away on their backs!”

Shannon: “Wasn’t the problem getting them out of the BUILDING? Did these reindeer also have the ability to knock down walls and rip out iron bars?”

Postman Fred: “Pipe down, I gotta tie up the loose ends.”

Kris: “So this is the end. I’m an outlaw… I need to change my name! But to what!?”

Tanta Kringle: “It’s time I told you the secret of your life. When you were left with me, you had this medallion.”

Kris: “Claus?”

Tanta Kringle: “Sure, why not? It’s not like anything else makes sense.”

Kris: “Claus it is. And I’ll use it as my last name! Jessica, how about it? You want in on this party?”

Miss Jessica: “Why Kris… Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! Despite only knowing you for a week, and even though we’ve really only said twenty words to each other, I know we’re destined to be together! I WILL marry you!”

Postman Fred: “So they were married in the forest, under decorated trees. And it was under these trees that they placed their wedding gifts to each other.”

Shannon: “They’re on the run from the law, in the middle of the forest. What kind of gifts could they give? Rocks?”

Postman Fred: “You’re missing the point! Those were the first Christmas Trees, dammit! It’s the beginning of another beautiful tradation!”

Shannon:”Why Kris, what a beautiful rock! And could this twig be mine as well? You shouldn’t have!”

Postman Fred: “Why do I bother? Anyway, the group found themselves at the North Pole, and there they built an enormous castle!”

Kris: “This is it! Our new home and workshop! Who knew six people could build so much so quickly. It was… um… Christmas magic! Yeah, that’s it! We’ll go with that.”

Postman Fred: “Then animals brought them messages from all around the world, and Kris delivered the gifts each night.”

Shannon: “Every night?!”

Postman Fred: “Yeah, well, then he fixed it so it was one night a year. The holiest night of the year. The day Christ was born.”

Shannon. “I’m sure he appreciated that. But what about his being an outlaw. If everyone was sending letters to the North Pole all of a sudden, couldn’t the authorities track him down?”

Postman Fred: “Oh, he wasn’t an outlaw anymore.”

Shannon: “Why?”

Burgermeister Meisterburger: “Cause I’m dead now, and everyone forgot about my laws.”

Shannon: “That’s the ONLY reason!?”

Burgermeister Meisterburger: “No joke. I’m dead! WOO!”

Postman Fred: “And that’s pretty much the end of the story… Oh, and Jessica got really fat.”

Miss Jessica: “I need to get out my Buns of Steel tape.”

Shannon: “Merry Christmas to all?”

Postman Fred: “I really should have asked for more money. I wonder what Rooney made.”